Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Once upon a time...


...when I was just a young woman of about nineteen, and a student, I met a woman. She was just a few years my senior and had only recently graduated from the same school I was going to. I respected her, and our teachers presented her as a model graduate. She was hard working, and climbing the ladder. I was even assigned to work under her a couple of times. But I found that the closer I got to her, the more she frightened me. I couldn't tell if her laughter was genuine or ironic, but it seemed bitter, almost hysterical at times... I was not very insightful as to human nature in those days. I tried to avoid her, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately as things turned out) we attract the things we fear. And so it was one day, when I was feeling free, and happily talking with my friends, I didn't notice this woman enter the room behind me. In a moment she began to verbally attack me, with such sure scorn and despise in her tone I was shocked. Like a deer in the headlights I just let myself be run over by her poisonous words, and they seeped into my very core. The fact that it happened in front of my peers increased my shame a hundredfold.

If I had been taught how to value myself, the strength of knowing your own self worth, her words would have rolled off, but I wasn't raised by a wise woman. My mother was barely eighteen when she had me, and she knew very little apart from her own traditional upbringing. To a large degree I went into the adult world naked and raw.

The attack of this woman stayed with me for years. When I graduated, in good standing, I sobbed bitter tears, sure of my own unworthiness. I never asked questions least I appear not to know something important. I wore a mask with everyone, and I hungered so for recognition... but any recognition I received I shrugged off, because I thought they were simply fooled by my mask, Ms perfect. I worked like a fiend to keep that perfect mask in place, terrified that someone would detect and reveal to everyone my deep unworthiness. I healed wounds, eased pain, saved lives, but couldn't see myself as I was. I couldn't own my triumphs, or forgive my lacks.

Well, from that day forward I thought of this woman as my enemy. I could look back at my life and say I don't hate anybody, even my ex-husband, but then I would think of her. I wondered how I would ever heal that wound, and time passed. I learned philosophies that led me to wisdom. I learned that those people we think of as enemies, in this illusory world, are in fact some of our greatest friends when we pass this plain and know the truth. I learned that no one incidence can scar a person so deeply as I was scarred unless it reminds us of unresolved pain from previous existences. I learned that people in our lives are mirrors to us of who we are.

One fine day I thought of Helen, and I wasn't filled with hatred, or shame anymore. It came to me that I was allot like her - a little too smart, so that my humor often confuses people who aren't in on the joke; a little too sharp when I am stressed; impatient with people who are lagging behind me intellectually, like with republicans, and the religious right. And it occurred to me that she may have been having a really bad day herself, and that perhaps she was so driven because she too was filled with toxic shame. It also came to me that what she did for me was help me solve this problem of low self worth, by being that one last straw. Perhaps I have been suffering with this for lifetimes, but now I have the keys, and either have healed it, or am healing it, and she helped me.

The key is to see self clearly, without judgment for the human weaknesses but compassion instead. Once you have recognized yourself you won't need it from others. You will know your own humanness, your beauty, your true power, and your own godliness.

One thing I have learned from this is that some people are very vulnerable, and that I don't want to be their "Helen", because I think for every one person who finds a way to heal those wounds there are likely a huge number who never do. Another thing is that we all live in a world toxic with judgmental attitudes, and that I would rather be compassionate toward human weakness, than be one who adds to the toxicity with my own intolerant condemnations.

6 comments:

Unknown said...

Well ..........you have both our admiration for your honest view of self and the way we can misconstrue our experiences. The clarity with which you reach to empathy would have you welcome in our home any time. I do not say these words lightly for Suzanne and I have been on this long road of insight and share parallels in all your history as well. I shall post a lyric of a song I wrote years ago tonight, for you. Welcome to our world Lily !

Dennis

Celestite said...

Good post. It is very hard to get to the point of looking back at that kind of experience and learning from it. I wish it didn't take most of us so long, but perhaps that long journey is the whole point.

Lily Wyte said...

Thank you both so much for your thoughtful responses.
Spottedwolf - your welcome warms my heart.
Celestite - I think you're right about the long journey. If I had resolved all this in an hour of therapy it would hardly have been memorable and life changing as it was.

She Who Works Her Will said...

I also encountered a woman who intimidated me and made me feel as if I would never accomplish my goals. I too thought I hated her. It turns out that she became my greatest inspiration to prove her wrong.

Lily, this is an amazing post!

Thank you!

wylde otse said...

It's wonderful to discover that the only approval we really need is our own (knowing that the Great Spirit is part of us, and we are part of It).

Poem for the *Goddess of All Time and Space*, *Cosmic Mother* of all stars, gods, men, and goats:

Sweet Spirit Divine,
I am made weak by my love for Thee.
No more can I lift a sword,
Nor raise my hand in anger,
For in every face, I see Thee.

Wylde Otse

Lily Wyte said...

Tracy and Wylde - thanks so much for your thoughts and responses. Nothing is quite so depressing as baring your soul, and being totally overlooked... :)
Wylde - I love your poem to the Goddess, someday I think it will be true for me... I was born such a warrior/ Mother bear...